ok, so my computer may or may not be broken, which is why i haven't posted anything in AGES. i'm attempting to make friends with the little guy today, so fingers crossed, please and thank you, dears.

yes. yes. yes.

know what is strangely satisfying? organizing your socks. it feels good, right?

today on my personhood spree i did just that and now i am flush with self-righteousness. kind of. also grossness. some of these socks i have had since grade school. not even kidding. i found a pair (ok, two pairs. of the same socks.) that date back to my seventh birthday grade. did i get rid of them? absolutely not. socks and i do not part ways easily, as evidenced by the second discovery of my sock project. so, when i find that i am missing a sock, i keep the remaining one around, hoping that the other one will turn up. that doesn't happen sometimes, but i will keep that stray sock forever. i seriously found some lonely socks that i've been holding onto since high school. i have moved these socks to school, back home, to my old apartment, and then to my current one. they weren't even nice socks. just gross white socks i've probably had since i was twelve. because i am disgusting. whatever. i did get rid of some of the loose socks though, so, you know that's good. oh, what? what do i mean "some?" well i totally kept like 6 mate-less socks and i don't even care. i am good at my life and you are jealous. 

i have THREE drawers of pajamas, what now?

also this

someone was seriously listening to music while using a public restroom. in a library. i realize that sometimes it is your jam-a-lam, but that gives me stage fright.

you're doing it WRONG!

so, to preface this, i wrote this post at work (in my SWEET ASS french journal with my SWEET ASS pen. seriously, envy me.
+=my jam.)
and seriously, after i finished, every single customer added a new dimension. they might be able to read my thoughts, which is unsettling, to say the least, but useful. 


moving on.


here is something near and dear to my heart: proper line ettiquite. turns out that a lot of people just can't work it out. they either a) shout things at me while i am clearly attending to someone else, or b), take "line" to be interpretive. it is not.


i love when people are not even close to being next in line and then waltz on up, hoping that they can just pay and leave. listen, i realize that it can be annoying to wait forever because the three people in front of you are getting some complicated things and you just want a pepsi. but as it turns out, i don't know how much the soda is with the tax and i'm in the middle of steaming milk here. stop. go to the gas station if you need your mountain dew that badly. sometimes these people try to form new lines. sometimes i ignore them. are you in front of the register? if not, you don't get served. sighing and tapping your fingers only makes me go slower (although that is always true. oh, you need your change RIGHT NOW? hold on a mo', i forgot how to count.)


now then, a line is exactly what it sounds like. picture one in your head. if what you are seeing is this ______, then good job, i am happy to give you things. buy fyi, a line is not a scrum. if you huddle all in a mass no one knows what is going on. one after another, not side by side. get it together because only you care who got there first. its coffee, not ellis island, so chill. 


 vs. 


really, the worst part of it is that there has only been one time where there were more than like, 4 people in line. it is not a busy place, which is what makes it even more confusing. i've seen this happen with only two people in line, such as...


UPDATE: (this is what i mean, people) just a little bit after writing the above, some dude came up and managed to stand both next to and in front of a girl who was in the middle of ordering. rude. but, and this is the interesting part (i guess), he wasn't some impatient kid trying to buy candy, he was at least 65. and generally, the people who form the register scrums or try to start new lines are old. this really makes me wonder if lines didn't come to the states until the 60's. 


i then observed another trend, where the next person in line stands at least five feet away from the person in front of them and waaaaay off to the side. in line? looking at the menu? milling around just to bother me? THERE ARE NO RULES HERE! 


do other people see these things in life?

um?

so, something in my room smells like bread. not like toast, so it is probably not a stroke, but an actual loaf of bread. have i been drunkenly munching on bread at night? am i actually liz lemon and i sleep eat? not that i know of and probably. no thanks bread-bed.

omg also, fucking this. sadly it isn't the whole book in all of its glory, but this will give you a wee taste. then you will go out and buy a copy for yourself and send one to me as a thank you and i will keep the extras in my bag and pass them out to people in bars to make friends like i did with old lady halloween candy last year. this is a capital idea, no?

my dvd collection is now epic

so, as i said, i got "are you afraid of the dark?" on dvd. if you haven't seen it, well, i don't know that we can be friends. i'm not kidding. actually, this may be the actual reason for my recent break-up. maybe people who love "are you afraid of the dark?" can't be with  people who do not appreciate the glory. 


i've been watching it pretty much non-stop lately, trying to absorb the awesome-ness. doing so has revealed an interesting trend. did you notice that kiki's stories all have black people? and not in a "haha, she's black and so are they!" but more like, "why don't the other members of the midnight society have stories with black people?" i don't know. canada is weird. rewatching the show also makes me glad that i didn't realize that it is canandian when i was a kid. i would have some truly bizarre notions about what goes on up there. like, even more that usual. did you know that all canadian high schools have hidden pools? and that all gingers in canada are terrible bullies?! that one hits too close to home. sigh, we are a misunderstood group. my roommate is actually canadian (as opposed to fake?), so i've been confronting her about these stereotypes. now, i know you want to know which episodes are my favorites, right? yay! so, top 5 scariest and top 5 most amazing? i'm so glad we are on the same page.


scary!
1-The Tale of the Lonely Ghost

ghost kids are scary as shit. things coming out of the mirror are scary as shit. crazy backwards writing on the wall is scary as shit. in addition, this episode features a raging bitch ginger with the most epic 90's bangs i've ever seen and cannot find a picture of.


2-The Tale of the Hungry Hounds

whatever, i'm afraid of dogs. they will eat your face off. or eat your fox. or cause a terrible horse accident. do. not. fuck. with. dogs.

3-The Tale of Dark Music

that should be all you need to know, really. just no. but there is another asshole ginger...who gets fed to this doll demon. ok, so it changes into a lot of things, but that doesn't make it not a demon that will give you whatever you want in exchange for the blood of your enemies. seriously.

4-The Tale of Apartment 214

i'm also afraid of old people. especially dead ones who yell at me. and then, the little girl and her mom just move into the haunted ass apartment with this lady. which is disturbing because of all the questions that brings up. like, can her mom see this lady? when the girl brings the lady flowers, do other people see the flowers floating in the air? how does that work?

5-The Tale of the Crimson Clown

i did contemplate using the "laughter in the dark" episode, but i find the crimson clown way more terrifying than zeebo. maybe its just me. but see, zeebo is a ghost clown, while the crimson clown is like a demon clown doll. you know what, either way that is some bad shit that i do not want. 

awesome!

1-The Tale of the Pinball Wizard

come on, he gets trapped in a mall AND in a pinball game! how is that not the best? yes, it absolutely is and i can only dream of those things happening to me at some point.

2-The Tale of the Frozen Ghost

yeah, i don't even care what this episode is about. when we were kids, my bfff and ijoked about this one all the time. "you're old? you're mold? what?" yeah, that isn't funny to other people, but whatevs.

3-The Tale of the Bookish Babysitter

i guess that is scary, but i apparently think that getting sucked inside things is really really awesome. books coming to life?! absolutely. want. not creepy ones, but, you know, nice ones. side note, did people get sucked inside books in the pagemaster? what happened in that movie?

4-The Tale of the Quiet Librarian

remember that episode of "buffy," called hush or some such? it is like that. and it has gingers and the most urban kid in canada. he has kriss kross hair.

5-The Tale of the Chameleons

shit yeah, sister sister.

now go forth and be jealous that you don't have this show and all of its fantastic 90's fashions waiting for you at home. bam.

my new friend

this post is brought to you by the letter "y."
as in, why is it so warm out? remember when it was 20 degrees on saturday? well now it is 65. sure. and, why is it so hard for me to remember to put on deodorant? 


anyhoodle, today, the day of not working, i've decided to brave the outsides, putting on my hipster finest (why can't i wear cute things at work? see, "why?!") for some quality kopi time. otherwise my day will continue to revolve around "are you afraid of the dark?" and possibly some tears. but seriously, getting that show on dvd is the best.


now let me tell you about my new favorite person. before i get too far, let me preface this by saying that this is in no way mean-spirited, so don't get all angry and panty-bunchy. thanks.


so i work in a cafe that is in a public library. and not like adjacent to a library, but literally in the magazine section.
 
i realize this is a terrible photo, but whatever. see that little tan half-circle on the right? that's me. with this location we see pretty much everyone. they come and stare at food and don't buy any and ask questions about library policies and sometimes try to check books out on our non-existant computer. it is a confusing time for all. we also get people who just come up and want to chat. i can't just run away, so i often get to listen to people complain about their health problems and how there is no place to buy lunch in urbana. i cannot explain why this happens. but, this is how i met someone awesome.


during our first encounter, this woman, who i see around alllll the time, mostly talking loudly,kind of to people and kind of to herself, walked up to my counter with a very pressing question.
her: "do you think vampires can go to heaven?"
me: "erm, uh, i have no idea."
her: "well some vampires think that they have souls. did you know that? edward cullen thinks he can save his vampire soul."
me: "mmmm."
her: "i don't know. do you think vampires have souls?'
me: "i don't know. i'm not really much of a vampire expert."
then she mumbled something or other and just walked away. i was confused and amused.


another day she told me that her mother is probably glad that she is into mythology now, instead of vampires. "she'd probably like it better if i were a goddess instead of a vampire." now, i don't know how these things work, exactly, but i kind of don't think you can just be a goddess. but who am i to say, really?


up until this past week my interactions with this strange creature were short and not particularly revealing, except that sometimes she bites herself and she doesn't think her meds are quite right. no kidding. until!
her: "so i talked to my honey jasper last night."
me: "oh?" (here is also where i reveal that i totally read the twilight series and have seen all the movies. shut. up. i do what i want.)
her: "yeah, and i told him about how needy i've been lately. you know what i mean? needy?"
me: "oh. oooooh." like, what do you even say to that? also, is this a real person named jasper, or someone you met on the internet who claims to be jasper from twilight? he is this one, fyi.
 
her: "he said he's going to take care of it tonight."
me: blush, blush, blush
her:"but he's going to use somebody else's body to do it. he's going to use pete. do you know pete? he's here sometimes. he has a cane and is kind of...mixed looking?"
me: "no, no i don't think so. (please don't make me think about this.)"
her: "maybe i should warn him that someone is going to be taking over his body."
me: "yeah, maybe. that could be alarming."
the end.


i was in awe. like, nothing will ever top this. i mean, it is sad that she is clearly not quite right in the brain, but at this point i feel like she is a national treasure. a gem, if you will.


AND THEN, the next day she told me that she hadn't slept well the night before...and that she had even had a vampire drain her to help with that. but it wasn't in person. it was "astral draining," and i can't even imagine what that is. moving on, she had a sheet of paper with some phone numbers on it. phone numbers for alice and edward. as in some twilight vampires. like you do. so as she was explaining her plans for getting a good night's sleep, including putting up a "do not disturb sign" on her door.
her: "yeah, and if people knock i will just ignore it, unless it is edward cullen, or alice cullen, or any of the cullens. i told alice that if she changes me tonight to just do it when i'm asleep. but i know it isn't good to do that when you're asleep."
i did not, in fact, know that. 


having said that, she is a really sweet lady, just really out of touch with reality. public libraries are such a strange mecca for the insane and i've found that its best to just let them talk unless they are really creeping you out. so i listen and i get to learn all kinds of shit about vampires that i did not know. could come in handy.

horoscope=liz lemon

so yesterday i'm getting ready to embark on my first crossword puzzle of the day (thursday is awesome like that), but as usual i decided to prepare myself by reading my horoscope first. i don't know how you feel about horoscopes, but i find them to be mostly awesome. hey, its not my fault i have rage problems; i'm a scorpio! and yes sometimes they can be accurate in that very broad way. yesterday was one of those sometimes. behold:


your mind may be on food all day. you want to sample several cuisines. this may make dinner preparations complex. you could always eat out.


how did they  know?! i WAS thinking about food all day (although, to be honest, that is the case pretty much everyday, because i love food/am disgusting), carefully weighing my options. should i go to store before i head home? would it be too late? sweat pants or food? difficult questions, especially since all i ate on my break was a sandwich, and not like a giant mediterranean sub. oh, and a rice cake! times are good. anyway, then i remembered that the best food combination known to man was just waiting for me at home.  once again, behold and absorb the glory:

+=    

   i will eat the shit out of you.

moral of the story, horoscopes can sometimes be awesome, and this is probably my future. 

although, if i get a sandwich turtle out of the deal, it will all be worth it. seriously, would you rather be alone forever or have a sandwich turtle? in this scenario the sandwiches are self-replenishing. exactly, you'd take the turtle. and now i want a big ass ruben. 

what i think about between crossword puzzles

i think i may have a serious 30 rock addiction. like, real bad. it is officially the only thing i've really watched in 2 weeks. wow. this is especially upsetting because i haven't even made a DENT in my halloween movie watching, which is one of the most important tasks in october. terrible. 


anyway, can i talk to you about work? 
good.


while using my expensive-ass degree to make americano after americano yesterday, i started to get angry. here is the thing: an americano is basically the same as regular drip coffee. no, for all intents and purposes, they are the same, only one is easier for me to give to  you and makes me like you more. look, wikepdia even says so! i mean, minus the me liking you bit.


anyhoodle, who are these people that keep buying americanos, a word that is ceasing to make sense, so i may have to call it something else soon? well, they are usually guys, who either do not realize that regular coffee is the same thing, or they just want to seem cool and "worldly." or they are dicks. this guy i dated in college used to always order americanos. but then again he did study in italy for like, a whole term, so clearly he was both vastly superior and onto something. not to lump his drink fellows in with him, but i'm really going to.


and what about mochas? they are horrible creatures that somehow make your mouth seem fuzzy and waxy at the same time. while that is an admirable feat, is anyone really looking for that in a beverage? apparently so. listen, if you are in high school, fine, drink them. go right ahead. they're kind of like training wheels. but, once again, mostly men who are in their thirties order them. seriously, just man up or don't drink coffee. go find a soda or something.


ah, and cold coffee drinks are another animal altogether. if it is a hot-ass afternoon, by all means go get an iced coffee or an iced latte. refreshing and caffinated! what more could you want?! but drink it quickly because the sight of your watery latte from 3 hours ago makes me and others feel ill. winter is not the time for them, nor is the morning or evening. gross. also, blended drinks are for children. after, say, 20 (which is reaaaaally generous), you can't have them anymore. i don't care how much you cry and beg, i am banishing you to the land of pepsi in the morning. the good news is that you will run into a ton of college professors there. no one knows why.


what do i drink? lattes and regular coffee. nothing too exciting. just soy lattes (because i am old in my tummy), where the "milk" almost makes it feel like a snack and helps with the jitters i sometimes get from regular coffee. ah, and coffee. so tasty and warm and it makes you feel like you might just have superpowers. its awesome. i love it and i'm pretty sure it loves me.


ps. can we chat about milk for a mo'? last weekend everyone wanted whole milk, which we don't have and is also disgusting. iwho does that? people also have their drinks made with half and half! absolutely not. i mean, i can't even use skim without it making my stomach explode so that i look 3 months pregnant (you're welcome for that image.). jesus, i had someone ask "don't you have any regular milk?" SHE MEANT WHOLE MILK! why? it grosses me out so much. thoughts?


well, it is obviously time for my new boyfriend, 30 rock. 
whee!

so, it's been some time...and will continue to be some time.


first i did the improbable and got a job. i work at it and everything. then i went on vacation to boston and saw some historical shit. pictures eventually. and now some upsetting personal bullshit. so. right  now i'm spending quality time with terrible foods and the soothing balm that is liz lemon.


keep yourself amused with this website: http://edped.tumblr.com/
here are some of my favorites.





yup.

A-hoo troll! or bye for now.

i went to diana's going away party last night, which was a bit of a bittersweet event. lots of fun, but i really hate when people leave, even for good things. yes, she's only moving to chicago and yes, she'll be back often, but still. she was my first friend when i came to champaign, fresh off my realization that i had a degree in reading and not much else. i was broke as balls and knew i'd have to live with my mom much longer than anticipated. i also didn't know anyone in town, but here was a cool lady who also enjoyed acting like a dinosaur, making up crazy dances, and who i could share things with.
moral of the story, i'm sad.


anyhoodle, we did these things last night:

part 1-shit talking.

followed by the ryan walker lecture circuit.  

hey, carl showed up.

and john evers!

on to the head wear portion of the evening! feel free to pick a winner.

emily opted for "refugee chic."

this is what happens when you don't join in, carl. i will pick your nose in public. out of love.

 

those pretty much sum up the night, i think.

a love story

   +  +  x  = isn't that usually how love goes?

you know, there are some days when there is absolutely nothing that will motivate me to be a real person. do you do this? i get as far as making coffee and looking at the internets and that is the whole course of my day until i realize that at some point i won't be alone in my house anymore and i am disgusting. no showers, no food, no grown up people things. 
today is one of those days; a day where i spend hours looking at the blogs of people i've met but don't know, lolling around in my bathrobe until i start sweating because i'm hungry and dirty.it is friday and all of my productivity is used up. 


blah blah blah.


so, a list of things i need to accomplish before going to the outsides for a going away party:
1-shower and generally personate.
2-eat some fries dipped in hummus.
3-go for a wee walk. apparently it is a nice day.
4-start deciding on what i will knit people for christmas this year. there will come a time where i don't stay up all hours of the night for most of december, scrambling to get some shit done. or not.
5-step away from my computer.
6-BE A PERSON.
shit yeah. doing stuff. 


for now, this:

what i hope emily and i get up to later. a perfect send off for diana.