i have a confession to make. it probably won't come as a surprise to anyone, but here it is: i am lazy. like, disgustingly, amazingly lazy. i probably won't get out of my pajamas until 2 pm today and that is pretty early for me on a day off. was i always like this? well, kind of. but the older i get the more spectacular my lack of motivation gets. for example, it took me 3 weeks to get my new sticker for my license plates and this was after i got a ticket for having an expired sticker. really? you ask. but what if you got another expensive ticket you can't afford? yes, well, what about it?

i've been thinking about this a lot the past few days. my roommate and i spent the weekend visiting one of our friends from school and i was struck by how productive these ladies are. they are morning people, for one, which is something that may confuse me for the rest of my life, but they also don't spend all of their spare time  not showering and looking at the internet. and they have waaaay less free time than i do. and i figured it out. maybe. after college, like most people i know, life did  not really progress in the way that i envisioned it and the longer i've been out, the further it has gotten from what i expected and hoped for. each job has gotten worse and i've steadily made less and less money and felt more and more unmoored. there are few errands to run, no responsibilities to be had, save for paying bills and not starving to death, and yet i can't bring myself to commit to anything. i can't even count how many times i've told the non-bf that i'm going to start doing something, or do something i love again, or how many times i tell myself that i have got to get the fuck out of my house because the couch is getting destroyed by my constant presence. and yet.

i might do something for a week or so, but then my inherent bum assness takes over and i am back to the couch and the comforting arms of the internet. and you know what? fuck that. because another thing i do in my abundant not doing real things time is compare myself to other people, the ones who are doing cool shit and having a life and success or what have you. and why are they doing those things? because they actually do the things they say they want to do. unlike me, who can't finish making a scarf and who hasn't written in ages. terrible.

i would say that this ends now and that i'm going to make changes and blah blah blah, but that is just too much commitment.