my new friend

this post is brought to you by the letter "y."
as in, why is it so warm out? remember when it was 20 degrees on saturday? well now it is 65. sure. and, why is it so hard for me to remember to put on deodorant? 


anyhoodle, today, the day of not working, i've decided to brave the outsides, putting on my hipster finest (why can't i wear cute things at work? see, "why?!") for some quality kopi time. otherwise my day will continue to revolve around "are you afraid of the dark?" and possibly some tears. but seriously, getting that show on dvd is the best.


now let me tell you about my new favorite person. before i get too far, let me preface this by saying that this is in no way mean-spirited, so don't get all angry and panty-bunchy. thanks.


so i work in a cafe that is in a public library. and not like adjacent to a library, but literally in the magazine section.
 
i realize this is a terrible photo, but whatever. see that little tan half-circle on the right? that's me. with this location we see pretty much everyone. they come and stare at food and don't buy any and ask questions about library policies and sometimes try to check books out on our non-existant computer. it is a confusing time for all. we also get people who just come up and want to chat. i can't just run away, so i often get to listen to people complain about their health problems and how there is no place to buy lunch in urbana. i cannot explain why this happens. but, this is how i met someone awesome.


during our first encounter, this woman, who i see around alllll the time, mostly talking loudly,kind of to people and kind of to herself, walked up to my counter with a very pressing question.
her: "do you think vampires can go to heaven?"
me: "erm, uh, i have no idea."
her: "well some vampires think that they have souls. did you know that? edward cullen thinks he can save his vampire soul."
me: "mmmm."
her: "i don't know. do you think vampires have souls?'
me: "i don't know. i'm not really much of a vampire expert."
then she mumbled something or other and just walked away. i was confused and amused.


another day she told me that her mother is probably glad that she is into mythology now, instead of vampires. "she'd probably like it better if i were a goddess instead of a vampire." now, i don't know how these things work, exactly, but i kind of don't think you can just be a goddess. but who am i to say, really?


up until this past week my interactions with this strange creature were short and not particularly revealing, except that sometimes she bites herself and she doesn't think her meds are quite right. no kidding. until!
her: "so i talked to my honey jasper last night."
me: "oh?" (here is also where i reveal that i totally read the twilight series and have seen all the movies. shut. up. i do what i want.)
her: "yeah, and i told him about how needy i've been lately. you know what i mean? needy?"
me: "oh. oooooh." like, what do you even say to that? also, is this a real person named jasper, or someone you met on the internet who claims to be jasper from twilight? he is this one, fyi.
 
her: "he said he's going to take care of it tonight."
me: blush, blush, blush
her:"but he's going to use somebody else's body to do it. he's going to use pete. do you know pete? he's here sometimes. he has a cane and is kind of...mixed looking?"
me: "no, no i don't think so. (please don't make me think about this.)"
her: "maybe i should warn him that someone is going to be taking over his body."
me: "yeah, maybe. that could be alarming."
the end.


i was in awe. like, nothing will ever top this. i mean, it is sad that she is clearly not quite right in the brain, but at this point i feel like she is a national treasure. a gem, if you will.


AND THEN, the next day she told me that she hadn't slept well the night before...and that she had even had a vampire drain her to help with that. but it wasn't in person. it was "astral draining," and i can't even imagine what that is. moving on, she had a sheet of paper with some phone numbers on it. phone numbers for alice and edward. as in some twilight vampires. like you do. so as she was explaining her plans for getting a good night's sleep, including putting up a "do not disturb sign" on her door.
her: "yeah, and if people knock i will just ignore it, unless it is edward cullen, or alice cullen, or any of the cullens. i told alice that if she changes me tonight to just do it when i'm asleep. but i know it isn't good to do that when you're asleep."
i did not, in fact, know that. 


having said that, she is a really sweet lady, just really out of touch with reality. public libraries are such a strange mecca for the insane and i've found that its best to just let them talk unless they are really creeping you out. so i listen and i get to learn all kinds of shit about vampires that i did not know. could come in handy.